SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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