That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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