Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
