I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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