oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
