My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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