FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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