He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Operation Purity has been aborted
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
