He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
