Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
