I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
