I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
