Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize