Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
