You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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