I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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