If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
