I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
