bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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