What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
