I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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