I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
