omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
why do cheetos always look like penises
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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