My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
