barbara walters just said penis...
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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