I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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