Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize