your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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