forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
