listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
