Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
and she was petting her beer can
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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