it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
