Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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