if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
