i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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