Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize