my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
