call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
