This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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