Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize