if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
