oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
