She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
