I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
