Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
