a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
