GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
