Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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