So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
