I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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