I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
