i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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