Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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