I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
