She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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