Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
