I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
