Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
