I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
