Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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